a note to the pets, from wendy, the bassmaiden

Dear Beloved Pets: > > > > The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other > > dishes are mine, and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the > > middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and > > dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. > > > > The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me > > to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall > > faster than you can run. > > > > I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about > > this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your > > comfort. > > > > Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.It is not > > necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent > > possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues > > hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. > > > > For the last time, there is not a "secret exit" from the bathroom. If by > > some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut,it is not > > necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the > > edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I > > entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline > > attendance is not mandatory. > > > > The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I > > cannot stress this enough!

> > > > To return the kindness of your obedience, my dear pets, I have posted the > > following on our front door, so visitors to our home know what the rules are > > here: > > > > Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets > > > > 1. They live here. You don't. > > > > 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. > > (That's why they call it "fur"niture.) > > > > 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. > > > > 4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted children who are short, > > hairy and walk on all fours. Although they don't speak clearly, they > > communicate extremely well, better than most people! > > > > 5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money > > all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called (this does not > > apply to cats), you can leave them unattended for a few hours and not be arrested > > for child endangerment or neglect, never drive your car, don't smoke or > > drink, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't worry about having to buy > > the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion > > dollars for college. > > > > 6. Also, if they get pregnant, you can sell the children!